#3 Standing in a circle

Theatre people are lost and lonely without their friends.  For this reason it is important to include all of their friends in every conversation.  This is achieved by standing in a circle.  This way if anyone new comes up, they can just join in and become a part of the conversation. 

While in these circles, it is imperative to talk about what you’re about to do.  Whether everyone is about to go to a party or reataurant or everyone is about to go home and go to bed, there is no substitute for this Hamlet-esque situation.  Instead of just going to the cast party that is going on that night after the show, theatre people must stand there and talk about going to that party.  It doesn’t matter that these are the same people they have seen and talked to every single day for the past six weeks. 

Anyone is welcome to join the circle, so if you want to garner favor with theatre people, by all means make yourself part of the circle.  But do not, under any circumstances, ask why everyone is just standing around in a circle.  This will identify you as an outsider.  But even though you can’t ask, you probably still want to know don’t you?  I’ll tell you.  In addition to the need to see all of their friends at once, theatre people stand around in a circle because it’s the last bit of sanity/sobriety before they go out and begin their night.  Because any theatre person who is sober is always looking forward to the next time when they’re not, this circle talk is crucial.  In the circle they can verbally assess the important things that will tell them how long they can stay out, how much they can drink (for those who drink), and whether or not they can smoke (for those who smoke).

A note for ametuers, do not assume that just because the circle breaks up it’s time to go.  Oftentimes, it’s simply that the smokers need to go outside to light up.  Chances are that the circle will reconvene right outside the theatre doors.  There may be up to five different circle conventions in one night, after one show, all involving the same people. 

 Then they’ll all go to the same place and sit in a circle.

#2 Hating anything that’s too American

Theatre people hate being American.  They will emphasize any heritage that they can to dimish their own American-ness.  Even more, they hate corporate America because it’s built on a system that does not automatically reward anyone who doesn’t want to get a real job and decides to just do plays for the rest of their life.  Now at this statement, tons of theatre people will pipe up and vehemently scream “hey [acting, designing, stage managing, etc] is a real job.”  To which I say not a chance.  Any job where you can call in because you have a hangover and your boss says just get here when you can, is not a real job.  That is exactly what happens in theatre because most of the time, bosses and subordinates end up drinking or doing drugs together so the consequences of those actions are universally known. 

Theatre people don’t hate ALL things American, just anything that’s too American.  If you want to discuss something American with a theatre person, stick with topics they like.
Here are some acceptable American things:

playwrights (Tennessee Williams, Oscar Wilde- Irish but somehow still American)
clothes — all clothes must be American made
New York — the American metropolis that is mostly influenced by other countries

Topics to avoid:

Wal-Mart — good lord, don’t mention Wal-Mart around a theatre person unless you’ve got time for a lecture

American cars
American cheeses
Brand Name Sneakers (Nike, Addidas, though not created in America, they’ve become mainstream)
Expensive Clothes

When trying to have a conversation with theatre people, it’s best to just stick to things from other countries.
 

#1 Spelling Theater with an “re”

A true theatre person will always spell theatre with an “re” instead of an “er”. This allows him to identify any other true theatre person and separate themselves from imposters.  If you ask a theatre person the difference they will be only too happy to tell you that “theater” is a building, while “theatre” is an artistic genre. 

Furthermore, using the word theatre allows theatre people to be constantly reminded that theatre comes from Europe.  This is very important because it is required in the theatre person’s handbook that they hate all things American.