#7 The Princess Bride

During one of my very first theatrical productions, my friend and co-actress Ashley Crockett said to me, “You know you’re a true theatre rat when you can quote The Princes Bride in random conversation.” 

Truer words were never spoken.  Now TPB is an awesome movie and an even better book.  It’s quite well known, and by well-known I mean that you can pretty much say to anyone, “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father.” And they will always respond with, “…prepare to die.”  But that’s not what I’m talking about.  Theatre people are obsessed with this movie. Why, you ask? Because it embodies their view on life.  Buttercup’s struggles and patience to finally get together with Westley and Westley’s “never-ending quest to save [his] girlfriend” directly parallel the theatre persons early life struggles and patience in order to ultimately become famous or well-known. Additionally, this story is a fantasy that tells the viewer/reader that hard work is not necessary to achieve happiness.  This story says that happiness is the right of anyone who wants it and if you wait long enough it will come to you without your having to look for it. And if it doesn’t come to you by the time you think it should, you can kill yourself.

TPB actually gives you a measuring stick with which to separate true theatre people from the false ones.  Here are some tests:

The next time a suspected theatre person says two words that sound the same, immediately, and in a loud clear voice say, “No more rhyming now, I mean it. “

The non theatre person will say, “Whoa dude, calm down.” But the theatre person will say, “Anybody want a peanut.”

Other tester phrases include:

“You keep using that word.” 
Correct Response: “I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“Mawwage”
Correct Response: “Mawwage is wot bwings us togevuh today”

My personal favorite:
“You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.”
Correct Response: “You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die.”

If these responses are not given verbatim, what you have on your hands is a theatre imposter.  Run. Run and hide.

 

A random quote from the movie because I love it so much!

Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

#6 Thrift Stores

Thrift stores are a very important aspect of the theatre person’s life.  Aside from the fact that all of the clothes and materials in the store are low priced, most of the crap in these stores is really out dated.  In the theatre world, out-dated means vintage.  And nothing is more status-worthy than vintage 1980s Nintendo T-shirts.  The thrift store is hours of entertainment because one must sift through every single piece of coal in the store in order to find the diamond that is certainly there.  And there is always a diamond.  Purchases I’ve seen in the years 2005-2008:

A paper thin Turbo Graphix 16 shirt
A leather vest lined with fur
A full length faux fur coat
A pair of jeans with Tupac’s face airbrushed on them
A book of riddles from 1890
A pair of skis from 1970
A burgundy polyester tuxedo circa 1970

Now, all thrift store purchases are not just for vintage clothing and the bragging rights that come with them.  No no no,  the thrift store is a resource for something much more important. Props.  It’s the first stop on the props journey.  Furthermore, most theatre people think it should be the only stop and if they can’t find what they are looking for in the thrift store, they will complain heavily about having to pay retail for it.  Everyone knows that thrift stores should always keep a Hitler Heiling Pigeon or a Sweeney Todd barber chair in stock.

In order to impress a theatre person, the best conversation starter in the world is:

“Oh my god, did I tell you what I found at Goodwill/Salvation Army/Arc yesterday!”

Trust me, they’ll bite. If not to hear what bargains you found, then to brag about theirs.

 

#5 Free stuff

Theatre people love free stuff. I know, I know, one could argue that everyone loves free stuff.  But no one loves free stuff like theatre people love free stuff.  Here’s an example: One day in Colorado Springs, the burrito restaurant Chipotle was giving out free burritos in exchange for canned goods.  The line was across the parking lot and around the building, but I stood in it.  While I was in line, I called everyone that I knew and told them about the free burritos.  By the time I got to the front of the line, several of my friends from around town had stopped what they were doing to come and join me.  After we got our free burritos, we then proceeded to go to another Chipotle in town and wait in their line for another ninety minutes.  That way we had a burrito for later.  All of this line waiting, made us late for rehearsal that night.  However, it was not a big deal because when we got to rehearsal, we just told the stage manager that there were free burritos at Chipotle and she was very understanding. 

Why do theatre people love free stuff?  Because they work for peanuts.  Theatre is a job that does not pay anyone what they are worth.  So if you work for 3 months on a show and you only make $500 the entire time, of course you’re gonna want what ever you can get for free. 

Also, there is an unspoken free stuff contest going on among all theatre people.  It is the height of awesome to brag about all of the free and ridiculously cheap stuff you got in the past week.  That’s why theatre people love thrift stores.